Sometimes I really wish I could just go back to being 15 and thinking I knew everything. It seems like everything gets more and more blurred when I grow up. My world used to be so black and white. I miss that. It was so simple, so easy. I had such a strong sense of right and wrong. I had strict morals and values. I wasn't perfect - in fact I was an insufferable brat - but I knew I tried my best to be a decent person. Now things just seem grey. Everything is a different shade of grey. I hate it. Is this what growing up really means? Everything blending together? The clear, vivid emotions of youth getting all tangled up until you never know how you feel? Or even worse, not feeling anything at all? I miss getting excited about things. I miss everything being so special.
I also miss being able to think I was worth something. I've never held myself in very high regard, but I used to know even I had the right to have friends I could trust. I wasn't unreasonable, just considered some things unforgivable. Now, though... I've become such a doormat. Apparently I have no idea when I should just stop giving second chances.
My best friend has betrayed my trust so many times and turned so many people against me yet I'm not even able to get angry. My other best friend only seems to want to hang out with me when she feels like getting drunk. A new friend I've just made has said some seriously shitty things about me behind my back while pretending to like me. I'm not even sure if she genuinely likes me now, or if she's just trying to get close to me because of the people I know. And I just don't even really care. I try to be a good friend, supporting them when they need it... why? I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't seem worth the trouble to start a fight.
I need to get away from my life for a little while. Wish I wasn't so goddamn broke.
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