i'm a weirdo

Haven't written anything in a long time. Can't say I've been particularly busy, I certainly haven't. Quit school a few months ago because I just cannot get out of bed and get panic attacks every time I even think about going there. So now I'm a patient in a mental institution which is SUPER FUN. No, actually it isn't bad. And I really do need it. It's a pretty nice place and I love the safe environment so much. It's also really good for me to have healthy meals everyday because god knows my eating habits are just sick. Welcome to the world of a crazy bitch with an eating disorder.

I'm having a lot of trouble waking up around six every morning, because I have big issues with sleeping. What don't I have big issues with? Anyway, I haven't managed to drag my ass to the hospital even once this week, which sucks. Very determined to make it there tomorrow. I like the group therapy sessions and the peaceful atmosphere the place offers. The staff is really, really nice and they make me feel like they actually care.

It's a little bit tough to get used to people (as in the other patients) being so antisocial. I always thought I was socially awkward and insanely shy, but dear god... These people will literally sit in the "livingroom area" for hours and stare at walls. When it's mealtime, they will silently walk to the dining room, get their food and continue staring quietly, altough they'll usually switch the object from walls to their plates. Now, I have social anxiety, so I get that it's hard to talk to people. But I really wasn't prepared for this level of silence from everyone. I've begun bringing a book with me when I go so at least I don't have to stare at those goddamn walls.

Aside from the mental institution my life hasn't been all that exciting lately. I've been drinking a lot, which is normal. That's really all I do with my friends. The rest of my time I spend home, sleeping or watching TV series from my laptop. Mostly sleeping. I sleep around 17 hours a day. That isn't good, I know, but I'm just so tired.

Well, time to go now. I'm trying to go to sleep soon so waking up for the loony bin won't be so hard tomorrow.

you double-crossing, filthy whore

Whore, slut, bitch, homewrecker. If a woman fools around with someone who's taken, that's what she'll be called. Yes, I've been reading shitty celebrity gossip articles... When Kristen Stewart got caught making out with that gross director dude, she got called all of those things. Now, I understand judging her for cheating on her boyfriend. But why is she the one to blame for the director's marriage possibly falling apart? HE wrecked his home, not her. He made a commitment to his wife and had children with her. Sure, Kristen should be blamed for being unfaithful in her own relationship but why should she be carry the blame for someone else's decisions too?

Another related story was the one of Amanda Todd. She killed herself, so obviously most people seemed to speak of her with more respect than miss Stewart. But I noticed comments saying she DID deserve what she got because she was a "whore". She hooked up with a guy who was taken. Is that really something she should die for? She didn't even cheat on anyone for crying out loud, he did. I just cannot bring myself to understand how every time the "other woman" gets much more shit than the guy who ACTUALLY betrayed his girlfriend / wife / whole family.

Maybe that's because I'm a slut, too. Because I've hooked up with guys who were in a relationship. Three of them, to be exact. One of them told me he was single, the second one I had been in love with for more than two years and the third one... I knew he wasn't single, and I didn't care. Do I feel bad about him? No. And I really don't see why I should. I have never cheated and I never would, but why is it any of my business what someone else decides to do? I wouldn't purposefully go after a taken guy, but when one thing leads to another... what difference does it make if he's with someone? What good would it do anyone if I didn't do something I wanted to just because of someone else's relationship? How would it be any better if a guy is willing to have sex with someone else than his girlfriend, but the "other woman" refuses? It wouldn't make the dude any less of a cheating asshole.

I did feel awful about the second guy I mentioned, though. Because I know his girlfriend. It doesn't make any difference that I never liked her, and that she certainly had no problem coming between him and me over two years ago when we had something going on. As brokenhearted as that left me, she's a real person with real feelings. We weren't friends but it seemed like such a horrendous thing to do. Because I always knew it wasn't her who broke my heart, it was him. I don't like her, but I never blamed her, nor did I wish them any harm. And I really did try very hard to stay away from him. But he was my first love. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Being with him felt so right, so perfect. I still miss him. He treated me like shit but I miss him and I hate it.

Do I really deserve to be the one everyone blames for the situation? Like all of my secrets, the thing I had with him is common knowledge now. He's still with his girlfriend. They still hang out with the "friends" we have in common. None of them have a problem with him, but a lot of them treat me like I don't exist. How is it fair? I don't exactly cry myself to sleep over those people, they were mostly people I partied with from time to time. But isn't it hypocritical to hold me responsible for the whole thing, even though it was him who pursued me - knowing that I was in love with him - while he was in a relationship? Am I really the only guilty one here? I don't think so.

And I don't care. At first it bugged me, but it genuinely doesn't anymore. If someone wants to call me a slut, a whore or a homewrecker, I don't give a fuck. I know who I am. I will not blame myself for someone else's actions. I simply don't see it as morally wrong to hook up with someone in a relationship. If others do, that's fine. I respect their opinion. But if someone really holds ME responsible for breaking someone else's relationship... I will laugh at them. Because that's fucking stupid.

who you are is not what you did

Sometimes I really wish I could just go back to being 15 and thinking I knew everything. It seems like everything gets more and more blurred when I grow up. My world used to be so black and white. I miss that. It was so simple, so easy. I had such a strong sense of right and wrong. I had strict morals and values. I wasn't perfect - in fact I was an insufferable brat - but I knew I tried my best to be a decent person. Now things just seem grey. Everything is a different shade of grey. I hate it. Is this what growing up really means? Everything blending together? The clear, vivid emotions of youth getting all tangled up until you never know how you feel? Or even worse, not feeling anything at all? I miss getting excited about things. I miss everything being so special.

I also miss being able to think I was worth something. I've never held myself in very high regard, but I used to know even I had the right to have friends I could trust. I wasn't unreasonable, just considered some things unforgivable. Now, though... I've become such a doormat. Apparently I have no idea when I should just stop giving second chances.

My best friend has betrayed my trust so many times and turned so many people against me yet I'm not even able to get angry. My other best friend only seems to want to hang out with me when she feels like getting drunk. A new friend I've just made has said some seriously shitty things about me behind my back while pretending to like me. I'm not even sure if she genuinely likes me now, or if she's just trying to get close to me because of the people I know. And I just don't even really care. I try to be a good friend, supporting them when they need it... why? I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't seem worth the trouble to start a fight.

I need to get away from my life for a little while. Wish I wasn't so goddamn broke.